theunknown's profile

Well, I may be 14, and my opinion isnt exactly considered that mch in the mids of middle-aged men and women, but, I will voice this anyway. This story has A LOT of flaws in it. Not content flaws, but, rather, grammatical. Your habit of sometimes indenting, and othertimes just skipping a line, needs to go. Indent your paragraphs, to do not skip a line to start a new one. Also, be more careful to specify who is saying what. You make vague refrences. Secondly, add more details. A lot more. Expla...

Eh, Im not a big fan of football either, but, here in the US, we arent exactly obsessed with the sport. I suggest that with public rants like this, expand on it a little bit. Go into depth, tie it with another subject. Branch it out. As far as grammar goes, besides a few uncaptilized "I"s, you should be good to go. Also, Learn to use Tab, instead of skipping a line.

An interesting poem, however, you put it in such a vague manner that it doesnt neccesarily get a point across. Maybe you could incorporate this into a more expanded version, where you give some opnioins about these modern-day topics. Also, even though this a good poem, I reccomend shortening it by a stanza or two. Yes, I know ive contradicted myself. You seem to be a good writer, with good topics, but still has room for improvement.

A decent poem, I must say. Really. However, I feel as if you could of made it just a tad bit longer. It wouldve made the whole thing just...better. I suggest a rewrite of this, maybe add a two stanza's, and divide the poem up into three parts. Making this current stanza the last. The first one should tell about the setting, the second one about her life. Really nice poem, but could be improved.