tia_logic's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 21
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 21
Clouds Gathering
It seemed the kind of life we wanted.
Wild strawberries and cream in the morning.
Sunlight in every room.
The two of us walking by the sea naked.
Some evenings, however, we found ourselves
Unsure of what comes next.
Like tragic actors in a theater on fire,
With birds circling over our heads,
The dark pines strangely still,
Each rock we stepped on bloodied by the sunset.
We were back on our terrace sipping wine.
Why always this hint of an unhappy ending?
Clouds of almost human appearance
Gathering on the horizon, but the rest lovely
With the air so mild and the sea untroubled.
The night suddenly upon us, a starless night.
You lighting a candle, carrying it naked
Into our bedroom and blowing…
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Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
If the sum of our parts is this quiet, eye-averting, hesitant kissing, I want to multiply it. Negative integers across fields of skin white as onion paper. My imperfections are greater than yours, whispered like settling chalk dust. I could try to show you proof, but I was never any good at math
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Version 1
11 Reviews
10 Comments
I hope I can break this spell: the long line of daughters bearing changelings who will grow into women, tormented by men without fear. When I was young enough not to fear the sun, you gathered my brown skin to your chest and read fairy-stories of brave women. You were the stone-eyed queen with a cement tongue; you abandoned entire countries at whim, you birthed me, trickster child, as duty. I still see you mouthing incantations. I didn’t know the words as a child, just the execution, bowed he...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
21 Reviews
9 Comments
It’s four pm and the fan is clicking. I should be throwing up or running or studying the internal lay of crayfish and mollusca. I pick at dry skin around my toenails and wait for some invasion. He invited me over on a Sunday for throwback movies and casual sex, I faked an ear infection. 7 more cigarettes and I quit. I’ll smoke them all today. Instead of enjoying each one slowly, memorizing the pull in and head-tilt out, I will gobble them like tiny men, missions and things to prove. I think I...
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fight to death = fight to *the* death Stanza two. Your rhyme leads meaning in this stanza. Mills= mulls over, perhaps? Mills isn't the right word. The stanza doesn't follow, either. How does his ignoring her lead your reader to the weak "decisionless mind"? Stanza four: anorexic line and white-noise; both seem very forced. Over done, perhaps. I'd cut back a scoche on the metaphor. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. "a breath of a crow" As is silently? In which case "the breath.." A...
You know, contrary to your notes, this isn't bad. Your first line is perfect, I'd follow that line more than the rest. One, you don't need to punctuate. After every thought. Even if it's a poem. Especilly if it's a poem. Complex sentences will help it "flow". I get your point at the end with everything becoming mundane, however I think it'd be stronger if you followed the intense imagery you started with. What if, instead of a flame/moth motif (which, you already know, is grossly overused) yo...
I'd re-think "drunkenness". It really makes a poignant little "note-in-a-botle" style poem awkward. I get, from this, that your destination was much farther than to get drunk. People who drink to get drunk don't have "phantoms" as reasons. I feel like you're trying to show a sense of escapism, which to me says you're goal was much more than simple inebriation. Maybe: Escape, freedom, Forget. Anyway, i certainly empathize. Good luck. Head up.
gods = God's Multiple question marks/exclamation points are silly and sophmoric. No, I do not think this is poetic. I think the essence of it (questioning love) is ubiquitous, unfortunately so it your execution. It's risky writing a piece that is primarily questions. One, the author has to assume the reader knows where the narrator is coming from. I, a reader, read this and have to say I don't agree with some of the questions which are meant to be rhetorical. So already this piece hasn't done...
I ♥ punctuation. Your/my special - this is inaccessable to me. " out your special " is the only line in which you leave out a preposition. Awkward. I'd look over your tenses again. It goes from past perfect to present with abandon. I'd stick with one or the other (ignoring the past tense which follows and is appropriate for your meaning). The souther gentility line catches me, as cloves are known as Indian/Asian. I get what you're showing, but I'd go ith something more exotic. Personal...
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