I think this is an interesting poem, but I think you might be able to push it even further. I'm not quite sure how the solid structure (as in without stanza breaks) serves the poem, but I assume you meant to present the poem as one completely cohesive thought that just sort of runs forward. When you said "liquid", I would think about which liquid you would want to specify, as it does make a difference. Also, who is your audience? Perhaps the poem would benefit from having a specified person b...

A gorgeous build-up of an experience. I love the powerful metaphors "Your left hand, Magellan, and your right, Napolean [:] You explore and conquer." I also love how you divided the sensations of lust up into three stages. I'm not sure if you need "beautiful disaster" twice. Also, totally off subject, if you see/meet a Joanna Oyzon at Chapman, hug her.

Wow. I never get a chance to read short stories but this was great. I think that it could serve with a good couple of metaphorical reference, the story is just esoteric enough to warrant it. The premise is fantastic however, and even though it seems like it might be overdone, it seems to be done in a thoughtful manner. You really seem to have a fresh take on a classic storyline. I love the concept that Jamie is a growing ghost because of the fabrication of her father. I also really like how y...

This was a pretty nice draft of a story; you have advanced past the level of many who seem to ignore metaphor all together, but I think it needs a little trimming, believe it or not. Phrases like "her eyes narrowed in pain and sorrow" could do without the "sorrow" because it's implied. Beside the nitpicky grammatical things, I like the concept of a little girl escaping a domestically violent household. I also really like the description of the cat, and I would almost like to see more of the l...

Hey there. Think you're working with some great elements. Love the concept of the Community, and that the character falls for a prostitute. I think you have some cleaning up to do though, especially as far as hierarchy. The way you drop hints about the nature of Tanner is very confusing, so I wonder if there's a way you can drop a few more hints about his past earlier in the work. Also, personally, I'm not a huge fan of the typical, slightly misogynistic "detective/mercenary/assassin" type du...

Interesting rhythm...a little too staccato for my tastes (as evidenced by the line breaks) but I understand that this is supposed to be more spoken word. I guess the thing I understand least is the consistency between the stanzas; they seem like little vignettes or snippets of thought, perhaps that's your intention, but they aren't cohesive. I love the last line "The science/knows that is/my fingerprint/as I bleed my/fears on/every line". Strong metaphors, if you could draw this out through t...

Usually I can't stand rhyme, because most are terrible at it (myself included). But this is definitely a step in the right direction of it. I don't remember if it's the correct grammatical term, but you seem to be relying a lot of the "Object Subject Verb" format (like Yoda); I would challenge you to create it in the normal structure of Subject Verb Object (I went to the store). Liked the melancholy nature of this and the line "A life half lived; existence bare/When grace not love, nor warmth...