timben1's profile
AGE:
45
LOC: Wylie, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 17
LOC: Wylie, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 17
I have been writing poetry for nearly 30 years (unpublished). I have a back ground in music composition and painting, also.
I’d like to move into screen plays and novels now that life has given a few stories and experiences to work with.
Items
Version 1
14 Reviews
5 Comments
If you feel that you completely understand a poem in one read, the poem was probably not worth reading. Poetry is not a newspaper article that you read once and move on. One read poetry is not a reasonable expectation, gives the artist little or no help, and you short change yourself too. Tell me (honestly) if you can understand this famous and ground breaking poem by Archibald MacLeish in one read: +The End Of The World+ by Archibald MacLeish Quite unexpectedly, as Vasserot The armless ambid...
Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
Pain drips down the drain, fanged, To ring the bells aloud, and long in this Weakening world. Bedeviling fluids Collect in pools; spilling over with Absolute powers like gravity making Sport of the body - Bones gone tired. Tired but sleep rides fast into the fog And in silence slices your fading Mind. Calls you by name and flees Leaving the bright light insane, Sizzling juice, pecking the eyes Where the little boy you knew played. Played like a song you've heard; stupid And old. God! give me ...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Pain drips down the drain, fanged, to ring the bells aloud, and long in this weakening world. Bedeviling fluids collect in pools; spilling over with absolute powers like gravity making sport of the body - bones gone tired. Tired but sleep rides fast into the fog and in silence slices your fading mind. It calls to you but flees leaving the bright light insane, sizzling juice, pecking the eyes, where the little boy you knew played. Played like a song you've heard; stupid and old. God! give me a...
Version 1
15 Reviews
12 Comments
Pain drips down the drain, fanged, To ring the bells aloud, and long in this Weakening world. Bedeviling fluids Collect in pools; spilling over with Absolute powers like gravity making Sport of the body - Bones gone tired. Tired but sleep rides fast into the fog And in silence slices your fading Mind. Calls you by name and flees leaving the bright light insane, sizzling juice, pecking the eyes Where the little boy you knew played. Played like a song you've heard; stupid and old. God! give me ...
Version 1
9 Reviews
4 Comments
Crab pinches seaweed; Accidentally Flamingo on the toe. Snaps his beak, "Fuck Crab!" Later, Crab realizes Mother Nature lives in a nightmare of Iron gears, pipes and wire. And, cackles diabolically when big fish eats Little, Her perverted sex game.
[ View all items ]
Reviews
Deleted Item
Locked
Deleted Item
Naw, I'd forget about pulling in other rooms. I don't think the room itself is a primary subject to get worked up about. I think it's about a relationship and/or ritual that's evolving. There is some alliteration, but what I appreciate more, that you've included, is a similar device - consonance. Consonance is consonant sounds that do not necessarily fall on the 1st letter of the word; ex.: You’re Sleeping (finally) SMiling in your dreaMS You hand Me StalagMiteS. S's and M's form a nicely lay...
Deleted Item
OK, good! My favorite line: "humbling with the crumbling of a sand castle shelter" No caps; no punctuation? That's a tough one; I do think it's necessary. Especially for a more sophisticated poem like this. The subject is a little worn, but it's a interesting fresher angle giving it more meaning than the usual love hurts thing. Very nice alliteration and even a little assonance, consonance with masculine and internal rhyme. Tasty. Really, very enjoyable.
You cap'd all the lines except for the last line. Proof read. Punctuation helps the reader. If your not sure how; get help from someone. Write me and I will help - free - others will too, I bet. Incorrect capital letters; lots. Excluding the two liner rhyme scheme, there is no other use of literary devices, i.e.; consonance, onomatopoeia, metaphor... Give at least one sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, time or motion. Who is "You"; what are they doing? Man can not live by "f" word alone. I kn...
I initially agreed with mislissa8125, but upon rereading I got it. Very cool and powerful use of consonance (Sss sounds and M sounds too a little) and alliteration bouncing between C and D sounds. I love pain in poetry - reality - and you have slapped me in a Tango dance with '...Zip-lock Bags'. You can't give up that organic power to make a critic or teacher happy - screw'em. Expand you palette of colors and tools and tricks so it comes out right as it pours from your heart, from the start, ...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People









