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topcat's profile
AGE:
51
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 18
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 18
Artist/writer/photographer residing in Weehawken, NJ.
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Version 1
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Changing out of his painting clothes after a somewhat disappointing day in his studio, he noticed the worn spot on the heel of his sock. It reminded him of the bald spot on the back of his head. He went over to the kitchen sink to look at himself in the mirror. The sink had a mirror above it because it was the only one in the apartment, situated right next to the bathtub, which was, as is often was the case in old tenements like this one, also in the kitchen. His looks had begun to follow th...
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Version 1
16 Reviews
18 Comments
They lay there in a heap. It was now four days after Jill's eruption, the trip having been extended due to a minor run-in with the local authorities in Maine that had landed the entire assembly in the drunk tank for a few nights (which made them consider the trip a great success). He stood in horror and disbelief staring at them. Face up, face down, twisted like airplane wreckage; they looked like they’d been thrown from the window. Thank God he built his own stretchers out of lumber, otherwi...
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this must have really happened--i don't think anybody could have made it up. it's a very charming story, funny,well-told. good pacing. i wouldn't change too much, but i think it could do with even a little more exaggeration/description. like in the part where your wife starts crying--"hysterical wailing" is serviceable, but i think you could find an even funnier way of describing it--crying like a what? mybe punch it up just a little to send it over the top. also, spelling of "heroine", and i...
this needs to be expanded. i can't believe you're only 15. it's really clever. but that last line isn't as funny as it could be. when you write comic prose, try reading it out loud to see if the timing works--or maybe picture yourself at your book reading in front of an audience. ends a little bluntly.
i feel your pain. but it appears to me you have a pretty good grasp of grammar. i myself have seen some lingual train wrecks that makes me think a bit this site might be renamed "writers who don't suck but some of them can it's ok". but this is pretty witty, and the different sections are a really good device. you might take it up a notch even.
this story is very well-written, and moves at a good pace. i'm not sure why the section on pole-vaulting is included, even though it is the most amusing part. i think this falls more into the category of short story or memoir, however, since the tone is more sweet than humorous. to make it really funny would take a lot more description of the events or comparisons of the characters or events to something, with a slightly cockeyed perspective. it's there, it just needs to be exaggerated, or he...
this has a very nice build to it. it sucks the reader in right away (betcha thought i was going to say it sucks) with the "i've decided to accept" line (accept what?, you wonder) and keeps their interest piqued throughout. the next line is a little confusing, since we don't know if the "she" refers to charlotte or aaron's grandmother. i think there's also a little confusion in the "flinch" line, like it's two sentences in one. i also wouldn't use the word "flinch" twice--maybe a synonym? you'...
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