tornwings's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Madison, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 23
LOC: Madison, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 23
I am simply here to be around creativity and creat. I have a deep urge to write and it usually comes in splurges. Just wish I could get it all on paper! I one day plan to write a biography. I am mostly inspired by ani difranco… a few songs of hers and im pumping out the poetry! My other hobbies include anything to do with art and travel!
“because im here and im real”
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why does this hit home? close too close too far at times making me understand is half the battle why you put this in your hands in my brain in my range my soul longs and cries more than ever throat dry and brittle from trying to swallow this hole of nothing and somethings just missing one soul
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Version 2
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why cant I stop these thoughts of you? even when I am with him does this new found promiscuity fill my void? no not once have i drempt of you since you left. does my joy reach you? does it tear you apart? not to know how I make him feel? the comparison is so brutal it tears at me when I drive out so far I can see every star in this god given galaxy do I reach you? should I keep these fading memories in their shoebox of mysteries?
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Version 2
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guess i failed because you failed to love guess youve lost it even more than when i knew you my worries awaken me though i wish i could burry these dirty thoughts of you how are you now? do you watch the sun rise and set wishing you still had your other half to hold on to? when you see my friends do you say tell her hi? or do you all pretend im just another star that fell from your sky? do you roll over in the night and think how i was once there? bet your in that phase now where it hurts too...
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Version 1
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why does this hit home? close too close too far at times making me understand is half the battle why you put this in your hands in my brain in my range my soul longs and cries more than ever throught dry and brittle from trying to swallow this hole of nothing and somethings just missing one soul
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Version 3
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what if i had done something different? what if i had helped? would it have been only me being selfish (again) and trying to help myself? i sat back and did nothing but yell in hopes one word would touch your heart and i left you and i told you to help yourself and i pictured youd fall apart here i am chalk full of pills the way you were when i last saw you i left you. or did you leave me? where where you when i tried to call you? you asked why dont you pick up your phone beautiful? when i ca...
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I think you did a beautiful job... however it is not my type of story... I do wonder what inspired you to write it though! You have great talent you just need to develop it more! Great job over all.
This is a really beautiful poem. I like the stained aspect. Though I am not sure what you mean in the last few lines where you say "word lover comes late" maybe its just me not fully getting it... but you may want to change that around so that we understand. i am left wondering what is word lover? otherwise very lovely poem ;) keep it up! tornwings
it would sound better if you changed this line... "we’ll be remembered by words, words, words," to "will be remembered.... instead of we will. "What we do will be described by people talking words, words, wods" and put the r back in words :) and yes, words are very powerful. keep on writin! we are the future! tornwings
I think you could easily add to this poem and make it longer. The first lines dont flow completely... there isnt a rhyming scheme that flows right but then you have one in the next set... so you may want to read it aloud to yourself and make necessary changes.... that being said... the whole thing gives a feel of too rhymy...ya know... maybe change the lines around. This poem has a great vibe and a good start. Good work keep it up! tornwings
this peice needs to be reread for words you missed... in the first 2 paragraphs. the whole thing seems like it could use more imagination. eaboration your main character would help I am left wondering what does lee look like? stunningly handsome? kinda creepy? what? why is she letting him in her car with her. I dont see where the story is going... you mine as well skipped everything and said a girl was on her way to college when she stopped at mc donalds and picked up a stranger to ride with ...
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