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townxelliot's profile
AGE:
38
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 02
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 02
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Version 7
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the sea is on its bed the sky its sheet the beach tightens the sea brushes the horizon it shies like a touched thigh we ache for the place where one is tucked into the other
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Version 6
1 Review
1 Comment
the sea is on its bed the sky its sheet the beach tightens the sea touches the horizon it shies like a touched thigh we ache for the place where one is tucked into the other
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Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
The haiku: Poem With lines five, seven then five Syllables in length.
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Version 2
3 Reviews
4 Comments
The location and motion of a particle Can never be simultaneously known. Determining location obscures motion; Measuring motion hides location. If you work out either one You can calculate how likely It is you'll be able To work out the other. But that's it. This makes protons and their ilk Seem different from vehicles like Ships, trains, buses and planes. Timetables confirm these suspicions. However, the uncertainty principle is still there At a macroscopic level. It's just most of the time,...
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Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
Vans of rubic men Squat on wood She invites anyone home There's a crone who broke in There's the stolen phone She's doing eye writing She gives her a lever
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This has good rhythm, and would sound great read aloud, indignantly (I imagine this is what you write for, or at least how you wrote this?). I like the lemonade metaphor: it's so good, I wonder if it's common in America (I've not heard it in the UK). And the colloquialisms and grammatical constructions add to the indignance. Good one.
I liked the idea of someone being a "picture of a photo/a thousand times reused". I also liked "women/turn her into skin on bone": this inverts the usual idea of models causing the public to stop eating and get body dysmorphic - here the public are responsible. Nice switch. I thought you could probably boil this down: I found it a bit repetitive how you did the "will they?" stuff twice. I'm not sure I can unravel the last few lines: they sound good, but I think they obscure rather than illumi...
Brings back memories of my student days! Things haven't changed much, by the sound of it. A nicely-paced series of simple images, some good rhythmic moments (The bands, their clashing/Audible in lectures). The word "plonked" sounded a bit out of place (ironically, a bit "plonked" in there). I liked "steamy chips" as a description: very homely.
I have to say I found this mildly melodramatic, which detracted from it for me. The initial image is strong: wolves representing sexual desire, predatory, dangerous, slightly out of control. The second verse, barring the last three lines, is strong: I think I would concentrate on teasing more out of that. I found the addition of the shamanness mixed the metaphors too much. The wolf imagery is strong enough on its own, and you could probably lose the mysticism, song circles, drums beating etc....
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