The look of 30 or so anxious faces surround me as I thread my way to my best guess at the appropriate government official. Behind the counter and a superfluous line of Plexiglas I am disappointed to see the collected countenances of several overworked, under-bribed individuals. Their feelings on the general idea of being sentient for this particular public service seem to reflect ours, only the complete opposite - angry, annoyed, and angry. Their shoulders are crested with various shades of ...

I wish I could simply tag along with my mom to the library, let her sniff out whatever boring texts she prefers, make my own way to the small section marked by numbers that never concerned me and focus my ephemeral attention on my favorite books. I used to really enjoy doing that. Most things I enjoy end up hurting me these days. These desires. Pain is only allowed into this boy’s pilgrimage through popsicles and Power Rangers and Happy Meals by temporary lapses in the thoroughly solidified ...

"This has had a tremendous negative impact on our culture and on religious leaders. So much so that many public schools and churches are teaching children that Jesus Christ does not matter, that the Bible is just a fallible religious text created by men and you can interpret it any way you want, that there is no such thing as sin or evil, that there is no such thing as an absolute truth that everyone should believe, that God only cares about poor people, and that totalitarian socialism is goo...

Nile sped out of the parking lot onto a short side street still buttoning up his shirt. On top of the lazy weekend he’d spent ignoring his Latin homework, he’d woken up late and was shaping up to be at least 10 minutes late to Latin class. He turned left out of the side street and glared at the cheap bar that had most likely caused him to oversleep as he passed by. Damn it, damn it… He screeched his car to a halt in his usual parking lot next a grey Audi, grabbed his back pack and walked bris...

I can do a lot of things. I can talk to the couch i'm sitting on right now. I can spend half the day looking for free porn online. I can tell my girlfriend, "No, you didn't catch me looking at porn when you came back from your morning class." I can even lie about having to drop a loaf, and then finish off my interrupted half-chub in relative solitude sitting on the toilet. I can also buy a huge SUV on the offchance that i'll feel compelled to ruin my 20" rims, scratch my custom candy apple re...

Dr. Phil As a result of new circumstances regarding my current list of available television channels, i’ve had the pleasure of viewing your show a number of times. In fact, Philip is so popular these days that he’s making appearances in movies and even scored a few minutes with Britney train- wreck Spears. But, sadly, Phildo’s success is indicative of an unfortunate albeit not unexpected phenomenom. 1 – Starring in a television show demands a certain amount of succes, i.e. viewers. Instead of...

When i was five, i visited a lake with my parents and some relatives. At some point i decided that i'd throw a few rocks at one of my cousins. After a few failed attempts, i was told not to throw rocks at my cousin if i wanted to be a good boy, which i certainly did. I nodded consent and proceeded to hit my cousin in the face with a sizeable stone. George Bush hosted an innocuous peace conference, during which, as we have seen in the months since, nothing was accomplished. Not only does this ...

Bernie Mac Stop addressing the tiny audience you garner (who accidentally left the television on after Seinfeld) for your prime time midnight time slot as “America.” Even if your ratings were above my average blood/alcohol level on any given night, i'd still prefer to channel surf on the offchance of catching a GGW comercial. Oprah Your name is annoying. When you have a guest on your show explaining the harrowing events of his or her life as a result of some personal tragedy/physical defect/p...

Dr. Phil As a result of new circumstances regarding my current list of available television channels, i've had the pleasure of viewing your show a number of times. In fact, Philip is so popular these days that he's making apearances in movies and even scored a few minutes with Bitney train- wreck Spears. But, sadly, Phildo's success is indicative of an unfortunate albeit not unexpected phenomenom. 1 - Starring in a television show demands a certain amount of succes, i.e. viewers. Instead of s...

Two weeks later, Nile paid for a pizza and walked hurriedly through the spotty rain to his car. He’d grown to love the unremarkable beige color and learned to do without a rear view mirror, which was probably still sitting in the same spot it landed after Nile dismissively chucked it into the back seat. He still, however, abhorred the bright blue side mirror, if not because he had been responsible for the original’s displacement then simply for its conspicuous blueness. Rain should clean up t...