"fitted" fit. "3+1/2" I think the plus sign should be after "1/2". At varying points you write "Uni" and "uni". "...broadcast some a temporary community..." "when the police arrived and I pretended I wasn’t there." I think that "and" is unnecessary here. "...and it was even colder now I was only in..." Maybe a run-on, maybe you just forgot "that". " always thought I’d never lose a hard-on for..." I think this is better: I never thought i'd lose a hard-on... I think i may have read and earlier...

"“Just a little messy.” She said to herself." Should be a comma instead of a period after "messy". "After she blew him in the back alley after bar close one night..." bar closed, or maybe after closing time? The paragraph describing Sarah's "ritual" is outstanding. "She felt the warm body close in behind her..." I think this sentence should start a new paragraph. "not so fascinating" Hyphenate this. "...flickered as a film might on a bad projector." This is a bit clumsy. "Like a film on a bad...

"material things" You could probably think of a better way to express this idea. I'm wondering when this pseudo-relationship started between the main character and his father, or at least when he first noticed it. Maybe from there, we (the readers) can get some ideas about the root causes of this emotional divide as opposed to jumping right to the adult portion of the main character's life without answering or suggesting why it might have developed in this fashion. Description of the stoic fa...

"...as it looked like she was almost foaming at the mouth." I think you could skim the number of words here and still convey the same idea. "Groups of people had gathered in various areas, in an almost ‘clique’ feel." Maybe like this: "Groups of people had gathered cliquishly in various..." and cut the words after the comma. "Desparate Housewives" Underline or italics. Also "Desperate" "..., moseying over to the socialites." You're using participles a bit too much. "...and moseyed over to the...

"flied" "quite whisper" I like the fact that the title adequately describes the story/conversation. Also, it's funny. But short. What else can i say. Travis

Might want to capitalize "oasis" "The streets are lined with..." This sentence has a lot of "and...and...and". Maybe some commas instead... You're switching back and forth between past and present tense. "...so it seems lucky that I found it." Maybe you should clarify if you now consider it lucky or if at that time you considered it lucky. Again, tense is confusing. Capitalize "che" "He had a worn looking concert tee over..." I think just "worn" is sufficient here. "escourt" Not sure if this ...

"As I rolled out of bed, literally,..." I like this. "Since I wasn’t blessed with as ideal a body as I’d hoped..." When was she hoping for a nicer body? As a child or as an adult...? "I heard the distraction return to my mom’s voice. She was again out of the range for proper in-house shouting." This is very well done. I can really see what happened. I hate to say it, but this has a very real "Dear Diary" sound to it. Nothing has happened yet to make me curious about this girl - there's no con...

"...on both side of an..." "both sides" "...his fill of politics. I.e., we were talking about..." this "I.e." doesnt really work here. Just throw in a "for example" or "for instance". "...and put them on island; let them battle it..." Maybe a dash instead of a semicolon here. "...Think of it: Citizens from..." lower case "c" in "Citizens" "“United Nations Island”" You've got quotes inside quotes here but the same variety. Maybe try underlining or single quotes (''). " “Hi! Everything is fine....

"The silence of the neighborhood is welcomed..." You're in the present tense until this point so maybe change this to "The silence of the neighborhood is welcome to her/welcoming to her..." "...Chris, looks up from the table that he’s studying at..." I don't know how clean you want to be with this thing (it's grammatically sharp thus far, in my opinion), but you could rearrange this sentence in order to keep the preposition from ending the main clause here. "She paused, frozen in time as she ...

"Jeremiah Jones rolled over scratched his bare ass..." Should be a comma between "over" and "scratched". "He contemplated letting whoever..." This sentence is a bit cumbersome. "...a brown paper covered shoebox..." Is it a brown box covered in paper or a box covered in brown paper? "Now he would have to re-order his day along with his hang-over." What does this mean in relation to the arrival of the shoebox? "Chet, awakened by the commotion..." It's unclear in this sentence who exactly is get...