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trident's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Birmingham, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 23
LOC: Birmingham, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 23
I’ll keep this review to all my good traits…
... err…
ok. I’m done!
p.s. If you’re wondering about my reviewing style, I was a magazine publisher in my former life, and am used to working with hundreds of contributors. By habit I tend to keep my reviews short (especially compared to some of the critiques I see here), but would be happy to elaborate if anyone is interested enough to comment on the review.
Items
Version 3
16 Reviews
20 Comments
“Clear!” Yelled the lead surgeon, holding up the paddles. The attending physicians and nurses raised their hands and stepped back from the lifeless patient on the operating table. I stepped back too instinctively, even though there was a pane of glass between the operating theatre and the observation gallery where I watched the proceedings. I grimaced as the doctor applied the jumper-cables, then WHAM! The prone figure arched his back involuntarily as 20,000 volts coursed through him. Was th...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
14 Reviews
23 Comments
Who says sitting in the bleachers at a football match is boring? As I watched the kids playing one Saturday morning, a juicy snippet of a rather personal conversation drifted up from three extremely cute soccer-moms sitting in the row in front of me. “You’ve got to be kidding! Everyone knows the big ones are the best!” I immersed myself in my hot latte and stared blindly at the pitch as I strained to hear more… The comment was from Aoi, a ‘hiso’ Thai whose her husband owned a factory. They we...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
13 Reviews
13 Comments
Keyboard clatter. Penny drops. No matter.
Ratings & Rankings
Opportunities
Version 1
13 Reviews
13 Comments
Churning burning, tossing, turning. Not earning.
Ratings & Rankings
Opportunities
Version 1
14 Reviews
13 Comments
Order only it could if I.
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Opportunities
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Reviews
Good imagery and a believable story. But as far as a short story goes, it's a bit unfocussed. You've got a guy in jail telling a story about a guy in a bar telling a story about shagging a queen, and then going somewhere completely different and talking about someone completely different. The concepts are all fine, but because this is a short story, they should somehow tie together in the end. I kept looking for the connection. I'm not squeamish, but the way you describe the "buffet" lacks an...
My first question is "why have you got more ratings boxes than words?" I missed the story altogether on the first glance at the page. Second, you've used a lot of very tough word groups - it's almost a tongue twister (which counts it out as a quotable quote for me, though others may argue this enhances it's value). I'd definately not start with the "Through whose..." Third, I have no idea what exactly you're trying to say... It's tough to offer advice on how to improve a 7-word story, but I t...
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