The piece has a lot of errors - mainly tense problems. It keeps shifting from present tense back to past tense. In the main I'd recommend sticking to past tense as that's what most people are used to and find easiest to read. I can highlight more of these in the free notes if you want, but as an example: "A series of lights formed in a projected flat screen wall that floats beneath the black tube rails..." should have 'floated' for past tense or 'forms' for present tense. There are also a few...

There are quite a few typo errors. For example "Before you is blender..." should be 'a blender'. I can expand more on this in the additional free notes if you like. There's also a lack of clarity in some things - "...the size of a small city building...". Are we talking about a small corner shop? An huge office block? The town hall? All could be in a city, but vary significantly in size. You could also clarify with comparing it to a famous monument - as tall as the Eiffel Tower or the Statue ...

There are a lot of errors. For example "It's bell began to ring..." should be 'Its' and "...he was able to look down straight down the middle of it." the first 'down' should be there. "...extinguished its self..." should be 'itself'. I can go through these in the free comments if you need. You've also a slight tendency to over-describe. For example "The end of the blade glistened a little in the moonlight." doesn't need the 'a little' - it weakens the sentence and structure. It's also slightl...

Your notes hint at it, but it does read a lot like a first draft, to be honest. It also reads like you're still exploring the ideas, where I think you need to have done this more before you start writing. The first half is almost unnecessary. It's a big info-dump where you simply tell us a lot of stuff. I think you've done that because the second part would be more confusing if you didn't. The first thing to say then is that there's nothing wrong with confusing - confusing, if done well, will...

I really quite like this. I'd say it was a little in need of polish, but you've definitely got something going. One thing it does need is polishing up for grammar and typos. An example of this: "...had sold of potions of their northern lands..." I believe should read '...sold off portions of...'. I'd be more than happy to detail these in the free comments if you like. One thing I also noted was that you interchange 'Dan' and Danjen' a lot (and quite randomly). It's better to stick to one form...

Took me a while to get it, if I'm honest. I mean, I got the idea that BDSM was Bondage, Dominance, Sadism & Masochism and I'm guessing the Minister is presumably unaware of this? What threw me was what _he_ thought it stood for - Baptist's Divorcees & Singles Mixer was my guess, but it took me a while to link the D&S to the acronym. You could simply spell it out in the text - have him thinking something like "That's it - a Baptist's Divorcees and Singles Mixer! Ideal!". This might also work i...

I think in some ways you rush a bit towards the twist revelations at the beginning. I think it would work slightly better if you had more of a 'ramping up' curve for them. In other words, start off more 'normal', describing the baking sun and him taking a break in slower time and then have the revelation that he's actually farming heads be more of a 'shock' revelation/twist. Then you have a bit more normal-ness - he maybe waters one of the heads and then the next one is 'ripe' and he harvests...

Overall, I liked it. It's an intriguing idea, but I did think there was room for more exploration of the idea. First, though, I did feel a bit of a contradiction. At the say this is Dave, Gary and Mike's 'traditional gaming night'. That makes it sound like Dave is a regular to the night and that he's fully happy to be there. It also paints him as a proper nerd/geek. However, later on he comes across as surly because it's a Friday night and he could be out picking up girls or specifically with...

Not a lot to go on, but I would mainly offer one suggestion - start as close to your 'main event' as you can. Introducing characters is good and necessary, but introducing them in the midst of a crisis or on the point of a decision is far more engaging for the reader. After all, we've got the whole rest of the story to really get to know them, so languid character intros aren't really necessary. I'd especially say not to open with your character waking up. It's too obvious and too easy: you'r...

This has moments of really great stuff, but I also found it a little confusing in places. The traditional point to make is one show the story, don't tell the story and in some ways I could say that about this piece. You start off with a large paragraph that is sort of telling us something. However, the problem with that analysis that it's actually quite well written. The real problem I think is that it's not entirely clear that those are Opal's thoughts. Part of why I say that is that I'm not...