since I'm jumping naked into chapter 14, I'm going to review this as a stand-alone piece, making some general assumptions for myself concerning plot, and mainly concentrate on characters, dialogue, and narration. characters: well-rounded for such a small glimpse of the story. my immediate advice would be to separate Worth and Grant a little. they are, and should be, very similar, (close friends often echo one another,) but it can get a little muddy for the reader. if one of them had just a sm...

i'm finding this very difficult to review... i love the tempo - it felt like my brain couldn't keep up with my eyes. you've got a confident style and great description. nothing is overly explained and no apologies. (this, by the way, pulls the reader into the action.. no time for questions.. everything is quick/precise... visually: i picture a lot of jerky, stick-n-move, chop-chop-chop sequences. nice!) the dialogue is perfectly cheesy and over-the-top. and i LOVE the relationship with the kn...

it reads easily and has great balance. my suggestions: "each others" needs an apostrophe, though i prefer "our shapes mirror one another" -- something about the sound of "each" ruins the phrasing for me. "delicious AND cruel..." or "deliciousLY" -- again, just a personal taste/rhythm thing. overall, very "pocket" -- just right, not forced.

1st, the technical stuff: "..curtain of darkness(.) Death could even.." "..dutiful and casual(;) the kind of.." "..followed (in) the same direction as his(,) but all i saw (were).." i like this a lot. you've set a beautiful tone - i feel the snow, and it effects the story throughout; makes the whole thing something delicate to look at, and not necessarily meant to be touched. you keep death at a distance, as if under glass in a museum. this allows you to explore the subject objectively, witho...

it moved... the pace is good. pace seems to be the most important factor in a plot-driven novel, so you've accomplished that. depending on your goals for this, the characters could be elaborated on. they are somewhat two-dimensional and cliche in places -- although, this is actually a good thing if you intend to focus on the action. the two seem to be co-protagonists, both equally important to the story. i feel it could use a tiny bit more of a visual skeleton. a few more brief descriptions o...

i love this! there are grammatical errors all over the place, and parts where i don't know if i'm reading narration or dialogue, but I KEEP READING. in fact, i've now read it three times. that, alone, indicates successful storytelling. my favorite lines: "..was bound to happen... doesn't ever happen again." "It's just Heather now. She doesn't get my story(,) though." "Is there an independence club for solitary(,) free thinkers?" - (whether this was intended or just accidentally funny, i could...

"...girlfriend(,) May(,) were going to hers (hers? her coffee shop?) that evening. She wondered what -is- (it) was..." "Good to see you(,) Mr. Wui(.) It's..." "I've been kind of busy,(") he said..." (Shortly after this, Martha pops out of nowhere. It seems that Martha and Josephine are the same person..?) "...words of her dream guide: (in italics maybe) You are in great danger. She..." "...His thoughts became words -out loud- ." "...say a chess club(.)" "...as if to say, "nice place."" "...ir...

do you mean to repeat: "been there and back" twice? - right after YOUNG MAN is wounded in shoulder. besides that, i really can't find anything grammatically wrong.. this is the 2nd time i've read this, the 1st being about a month ago, and i think that if you can get someone like me to read something twice - not just "read," but read carefully - you've got something. i don't have the opportunity to review many plays, but i really like this. you keep the reader jumping, never really sure who to...

not a bad opening, but a few suggestions: it seems to me that Crew would likely call out her name before rushing to the television. even if you FIRST have him call out casually, THEN check the t.v., and THEN call out again in desperation. he moves a bit too quickly from waking to panic (while remaining composed enough to check the news, first.) another small detail: if so many people have disappeared, it seems odd that the news would pause to report about "some kid's grandma." this might work...

i love this. you put me right there in the room with you. sorry i don't have more of a "critique" for you.. i just like it the way it is. refund if necessary.