tullyot's profile
AGE:
34
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 27
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 27
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Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Distorted little bombs drift down, dragging pink lipped parachutes. Continuously you cast, Yet, your mouth has never dared to bite into a meal I digest. You want them landing on me,detinating, except they can't. I'm not on the ground anymore. ****** Someone sends smiling pufflings from the clouds, who have cute names and happy stories. They bounce softly over my wall. Land on the rest of my day. ***** He says you control your bombs until you drop them but once free they can turn around rever...
Version 1
15 Reviews
5 Comments
Divinity Ar-Rashid sits quietly across a table from me one night. He spins a U.S. coin, round and round, looks at me, lasers of night through lashes of day. I dive deep into him, so far I cannot find my way out. Years ago, on Him l spread my trust. We carved deep on my back symbol of our journey. That jagged and bloody knife then lay ominously on a stone pallet, Awaiting its next cut. Until a stranger with eyes of storms and sunrises, picked it up and spun it, letting it fall in its own direc...
Version 2
18 Reviews
7 Comments
Nestled in Destiny’s palm, he dreams in woolen whites and balmy blues. Wings of lace doves lay in waiting on his back. Leg and arms, like sprouts of fiddleheads, curl up underneath him. Head turned, eyes closed, his lashes grow towards the light like stems of sunflowers. Here he quietly keeps his spirit for us. Silver breath, fresh and agile, Gathers in lofty lungs a little more each day. It waits to pair with his little racing heartbeat, To glide into our world on top of his first melodious ...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
Nestled under Destiny’s cupped hand, he dreams in woolen whites and balmy blues. Wings of lace doves lay in waiting on his back. Leg and arms, like sprouts of fiddleheads, curl up underneath him. Head turned, eyes closed, his lashes grow towards the light like stems of sunflowers. Here he quietly keeps his spirit for us. Silver breath, fresh and agile, Gathers in lofty lungs a little more each day. And waits to pair with his little racing heartbeat.
Version 2
17 Reviews
12 Comments
bayfield. ontario. harbour lights beach pier. january 28. I sit at the edge of the pier in the moonlight, you at the edge of the water. Together, we are both so alone. A world of tiny diamonds dance on the water's surface. They yell thoughts of you collected over their long years. Like times before, they steal my gaze. Through it they pull emotions out, which fall, clinging to tiny ropes with anchors, and drown after letting go. I dangle my feet, see my breath, shiver. Time stops with you. Bu...
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Reviews
I think you should put some structure in your poem to start off. It will help it to rhyme properly and it will flow better. Sounds like a song, so perhaps you should also think of writing lyrics for a song.
This poem has a great rhythm, which almost creates an urgency. Were you going for an urgent/quick processing type of feel? Or does this person go through this over a span of time, diliberating a lot? If so, I suggest breaking it up into more stanas to emphasize time going by and the different phases of the processing (to do it or not, the disbelief, etc) Another small suggestion, pick a verb tense and stick to it so it flows a little more easily. (Either past or present). Secondly, I would su...
This has a lot of passion packed tightly into it, it's easy to see. I would suggest adding a few more lines to help us better understand what you are referring to and spacing out a lot of very heavy words so we can read easier. It is clear there is a general negativity and anger to this poem, but the target is not clear enough for the average reader to understand. A very clear title that points more to the subject you are addressing could help as well. Another suggestion is to space out the i...
The poem is simple, the idea complex. I would love to see this poem evolve from simple to complex in its presentation and form into a poem that flows with rhythm. It is a great metaphor overall, and I think you could use the actual metaphor itself, shortened, as a part of a larger and more dynamic exploration of poetry. Sorry I don't have concrete suggestions, other than to sit with this image and work it lyrically, because even though it is great in its simplicity, story like way, it could a...
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