tumbled's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Knoxville, TN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 25
LOC: Knoxville, TN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 25
i have ten fingers.
i have ten toes.
i want to meet jens lekman.
i sing along with guitar solos.
Items
Version 1
8 Reviews
8 Comments
winter is a promise the ground can't help but thaw it's freezing in there matted leaves fallen branches naked pole obsolete bird feeders took flight during a september storm abandoning and forgetting who were they holding seed for not for silent paws in black and white stalking something backed up flat against a tree trunk breath held tense silent not the writhing handfuls scooped out wet from under dense crisscrossings of twigs fragile rotting not the spider's web lacing the pine tree sprig ...
Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
petrified, the bridge snoozes dusty on the river's death bed. leaning like a sunbeam, sturdy as an airful of birthday confetti, it tapers like a siren passing brightly. an impish sapphire eye gleaming, little fluffy clouds kaleidoscope the landscape. my suitcase has been a wildseed strutting down toll roads as impatient as a hotel faucet's dripping. the interstate irritates like a hotly twisted comforter, and the ashes of Arizona summer freckle me as bravery collects like mercury rolling, and...
Version 1
5 Reviews
3 Comments
Sunny day, 1:03. In suit & SUV she cooed to her cell apologetically, "No, I can't leave the office until 5." Should have shouted, "SHE'S AT THE PARK," as I walked by.
Version 2
6 Reviews
5 Comments
you slid your hand around my heart, massaging the throbbing muscle with your tongue, my blood running down your arm and dripping from elbow to cold metal in a constant staccato. your eyes scanned my relaxed expression for a beat before you let your caress trail down past my stomach. at first just a sweet kiss, and then I felt it - your firm grip pulled until the bone split apart, exposing the red of me. turning away, I tried to hide the sudden sting of shame caught in my cheek. you were beaut...
Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
inside, all those tiny pieces, gears, and springs work together. behind the hands, the face, the Indiglo, they're synchronized. keep good time. you must take care of each individual part. oil, grease, brush, dust. blow on it! the body is a time piece. tick, tick, tick do not over wind. if you breathe in deeply, your ribs open, lift. widen and rise. diaphragm sealed tight. lungs swell and wrap the heart, keep it in place. my heart is still in there, but what if your lungs and ribs weren't sync...
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Reviews
i would suggest getting rid of all those commas and arranging this into a paragraph. from there, i would decide where punctuation needs to go in order to establish flow and aid comprehension. the way you have it now is incredibly choppy and makes it difficult to understand your meaning. once i had my punctuation in order, then i'd worry about line breaks.
hi. i really enjoyed reading this. thanks so much for sharing. the only part i had problems with was "clutch of spanners" and "taut angers," which are at a very critical point in the poem. i looked up spanner and saw that it means wrench, but i still don't get your meaning here. i look forward to reading more of your work! good luck!
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