"only pacified when I’ve been injected with the tears of an angel, to appease my curse? " - you had me up until this point. what angel? what curse? desert? dandelions? you lost your mind and god saved you? how does being a puddle in the desert help you appreciate god more? i like the thought "bloom wherever you go." i think that's a nice thought that could be explored more. it's on the border of being very cliche, but i think that statement has a lot of weight to it and could be the start of ...

i don't feel there's really any need for you to give us kane's background in the 1st section. there isn't anything in that 1st paragraph that kane couldn't have told us himself. you have a lot of misplaced commas that make this difficult to read. on page 5, i believe you mean "vulnerable" and not "venerable." the back story of natalya's suicide is very similar to the one in bram stoker's dracula.

so you've made nobody somebody. i guess someone might want to publish that or be amused. it just leaves me wondering why you couldn't let nobody be nobody.

the apostrophes in jealousy's and advantage's confuse me. i think you mean "slip" through "loose" lips. i'd go with "unspoiled" instead of "unspoilt." i'd start a new sentence with "broken promises" and not put a comma after "task." i don't know what you mean by "for-come." do you mean come before? you have a lot of fun rhythm and rhyme here, but because of punctuation and such, i had a very difficult time finding the rhythm and rhyme. also, without the note at the top, i don't think i'd have...

i really love this. it has a lot of weight to it. i think a lot of people will relate to it because everyone has, in some way, been told to hide and be ashamed of something they can't help. the only part i don't like is "butterfly kisses." it's too sweet. this is a very light hearted poem on the surface, but "butterfly kisses" sounds trite. i think you have an opportunity to use some powerful concrete imagery of your own in its place, maybe something just as pleasant as, but the opposite of, ...

there's no need for the double spacing. "I am sure that life can deal with the dead." you've just thrown your rhyme out the window. why? i like "We got here and do not recall a thing" a lot.

hi. i really enjoyed reading this. thanks so much for sharing. the only part i had problems with was "clutch of spanners" and "taut angers," which are at a very critical point in the poem. i looked up spanner and saw that it means wrench, but i still don't get your meaning here. i look forward to reading more of your work! good luck!

i would suggest getting rid of all those commas and arranging this into a paragraph. from there, i would decide where punctuation needs to go in order to establish flow and aid comprehension. the way you have it now is incredibly choppy and makes it difficult to understand your meaning. once i had my punctuation in order, then i'd worry about line breaks.