twilightalleternity's profile
AGE:
14
LOC: Maunaloa, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 02
LOC: Maunaloa, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 02
I love to write novels. I prefer writing Sci-Fi, Fantasy or Teen. I am currently working on my novel, The Eruption. When I’m finished I plan to use short teen stories I created over the last summer, and rewrite them into a long teen novel.
I am a member of many writing sites other than Urbis. One of them Is NaNoWriMo, where I am twilightalleternity. I am proud to say, I was a winner at NaNoWriMo, where I worked on The Eruption. I am finishing The Euption at NaNoFiMo.
I try to go on Urbis every couple of days. I will accept all friend requests and I do a lot of reviewing.
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Version 1
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Grace sat on her windowsill in nothing but her nightgown, letting the wind whip the lace around her legs. She strummed her guitar not caring if her fingers were callused from hard playing. Grace loved music. As Grace played the last chords of Taylor Swift's "Love Story", the sky opened up and let down buckets of rain. Grace was hesitant to get up but she finished her song not caring how wet she was. Her legs were cold and her brown curls curled up even more then they already were. S...
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Version 2
8 Reviews
2 Comments
Gracelynn's curly brown hair blew in the wind as she hopped from her parent's car. Nearly dropping her binder and books she ran to the front door of Lincoln Middle School. She adjusted her school supplies in her arms so that she could run down the 6th grade hallway without any interferences. Gracelynn was officially 12 years old and as a 6th grader she had many hopes and dreams, but so far none were coming true. School was a drag. She wished that one day Lincoln Middle School would just blow ...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
Gracelynn's curly brown hair blew in the wind as she hopped from her parent's car. Nearly dropping her binder and books she ran to the front door of Lincoln Middle School. She adjusted her school supplies in her arms so that she could run down the 6th grade hallway withought any interferences. Gracelynn was officially 12 years old and as a 6th grader she had many hopes and dreams, but so far none were coming true. School was a drag. She wished that one day Lincoln Middle School would just blo...
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To me, this is perfect. I think many kids would enjoy this. I can see a bright colorful picture book at my elementary school where the librarian reads it to all the kids. Many parents would enjoy reading this to their kids, it wcould be a great family book. I hope you get this published. The illustration would be hilarious, a king with a bonnet instead of a crown. Great work! I might read this to my little cousins and see what they think of it.
It may sound better to say, They went "into" the house instead of "onto". I'm not entirely sure about this though, as it could go either way. Instead of underscores, put quotes around Saving Private Ryan and 12 O'clock High. You should also do this around "For John- and your father's finest hour -Smitty". You forgot another quote at after day on "We weren't any braver then anyone else that day. << You also forgot one here, "Don't tell your mother. She's Never Seen that photo. << T...
Correction: so he wanted to do them to <<add another o That's the only mistake I could find, as you did really well with the spelling and grammar. This is very much how teenagers think and I think many readers could relate to Donovan. Although, I do find his family a little bit depressing. You may want to calm down the mother a bit, although Travis fits this story well so far.
It was kind of odd that you mentioned someone on an alien spacecraft but it really caught my eye and made me want to reread the passage, which I did. Captain John Reynolds is actually a lot like other people, letting his concentration lapse. You added fantasy and adventure into this, in 100 words. I hope you win!
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