unsaid's profile
AGE:
30
LAST LOGIN: June 27
LAST LOGIN: June 27
Hello. Well I’m here because I’m working on my writing sample for Creative Writing MFA programs and for the Bucknell Seminar for Young Poets next year.
I hesitate to share based on the subject matter of some of my poetry. I think it’s possible to be specific and mention race without it being derogatory but I worry that other people won’t feel the same. That doesn’t stop me from sharing though!
My biggest roadblock in my writing write now is clarity. I’ve really improved on imagery but I think my clarity has suffered so I’m here, sharing and reviewing, hoping to get better!
Thanks for taking the time!
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
She is a ferocious blur of brown bleeding into black when she is that far away. We are women running in different lanes on opposite ends of the same track. Long legs shorten her shorts; unrestrained raven locks shoot from the back of her head, like an afterburner-- hot and free. I am certain-- if I did not have a choice, I could love her. We could meet here, now, in the middle of the field, open ourselves to one another in the grass, get locked in a multi-toned brown swirl, twirl to the lulla...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
There had been talk of a revolution at recess. We'd spend twenty minutes under the gaze of the dry, Idaho sun-- freckled boys chasing girls with breast buds, snapping their training bra straps against their backs-- only to stand in a musty line at the water fountain being tap-tapped away by Mrs. Alzola after only sipping two seconds worth of cold water. Tap, Tap. Swallow after swallow the hope of a rebellion died in the spritzed throats of those who sipped swift and sat back in their assigned...
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Version 2
2 Reviews
2 Comments
Her daughters wrapped their arms around a melody first, cradled the song against the softness of their breasts, infused the harmony with the rhythm of their heartbeats, nurtured a verse into existence like a newborn child, then ripped that song open on its way past tongue and teeth, exposed its truth in the open air, so only the blood of the music was left dripping in affected ears. Too many of her daughters injected, snorted, or swallowed a new truth for themselves and for their children; al...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
3 Reviews
6 Comments
I learned to maintain a fascination with what I could not have: getting tongue kissed before turning sixteen, being friends with more than one black girl, and crushes on white boys. Jimmy Davidson could have gone without scrawling in his margins in fifth grade alphabet code that he loved ten, fif- teen, fourteen, twenty, five, eighteen, eighteen, nine, like I couldn’t spell my name in numbers. "No, that spells “Elizabeth” and she’s blonde," I regret my over-answered question. I saw Jimmy in t...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
3 Comments
I learned to maintain a fascination with what I could not have: getting tongue kissed before turning sixteen, being friends with more than one black girl, and crushes on white boys. Jimmy Davidson could have gone without scrawling in his margins in fifth grade alphabet code that he loved ten, fif- teen, fourteen, twenty, five, eighteen, eighteen, nine, like I couldn’t spell my name in numbers. No, that spells “Elizabeth” and she’s blonde, I regret my over-answered question. I saw Jimmy in the...
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Reviews
How clever! I totally can not see the reference in the 3rd stanza though. I appreciated the imagery in that stanza though. I can tell this piece took a lot of thought but it doesn't come off as forced, it comes off as being well-crafted and definitely entertaining.
The tone of the piece, the incomplete sentences, worked since you were conveying a memory. The few tense issues threw me off: "speaking a tongue that is not very clear to me"-- the tense issue jarred me. Maybe "is" should be "was"? Here to: "Twenty years has passed"...maybe "has" should be "have". I totally think you could have ended the piece without those last four lines. I enjoyed this piece for what it revealed. Pretty bold.
This piece makes a bold statement. I'm a little confused about how I'm supposed to feel though. Is the speaker of the piece angry with "Slick Willy", it seems so, but then the piece ends by saying that "we've found one of our kind" which seems like it's supposed to be a good thing, right? And what exactly did Slick Willy do wrong, it isn't really clear and because of relevance the subject matter, I actually would like to know and think this piece could be a vehicle for that point of view. I t...
This piece does what I think a poem should do-- it brought me into this moment. You used some great images in this piece and the ending worked for me "a cheap imitation of forever"...I totally get it! So you probably could have left out the two lines "a perfect moment, immortalized"...just not needed because you made this reader feel that so it can go unsaid.
Cool rhyme scheme. It was subtle and it gave the piece a pace that flowed quickly and then slowed down...kinda like the tide. Great flow! I'm seeing the lovers witnessing this and I get that there is an under current of doom for the townspeople so my mind wants to make the connection that this under current could also be applied to the lovers. I like that idea.
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