unusualgirl0's profile

unusualgirl0 avatar
AGE: 19
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 12

I’ve been writing for about ten years now. I’ve been working on my YA fantasy novel ‘The Opal Throne” for about four years, now. I’m still learning, and appreciate any and all help I can get.

Item Stats
Reviewer Stats
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews   2 Comments
Alaya, the High Princess of all Rallia, heir to the Opal Throne, slumped onto the bench, bored out of her skull. This had to be, beyond a doubt, the longest lecture her mother had ever given. She bit down on the inside of her cheek, willing herself to pay attention. After all, she would need to know this some day. Probably. Maybe. She glanced through lowered lashes sideways, catching Larina’s eye. Larina stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes back into her head. Alaya bit back a gigg...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Meadowsville
Version 1
3 Reviews   0 Comments
I was still a young man when I stepped off the train, hat in one hand, suitcase in the other. My hair and beard were still gingery, and my chin was as yet firm. Meadowsville surprised me, raised as I was in the hub of Boston. No horses clattered down the main street of Meadowsville. No venders called their wares. The air smelled not of human bodies, but of corn and prairie. The golden light of late afternoon bathed the row of shops facing the main street and the two side streets lined wi...
Ratings & Rankings
Short Story / Meadowsville
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
I was still a young man when I stepped off the train, hat in one hand, suitcase in the other. My hair and beard were still gingery, and my chin was as yet firm. Meadowsville surprised me, raised as I was in the hub of Boston. No horses clattered down the main street of Meadowsville. No venders called their wares. The air smelled not of human bodies, but of corn and prairie. The golden light of late afternoon bathed the row of shops facing the main street and the two side streets lined wi...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
9 Reviews   0 Comments
Alaya settled into her desk and crossed her legs. She glanced over at Larina with one eyebrow raised and scuffed the bottom of her boot over the thick rug in the classroom. “Any ideas about what we’re doing today?” “More of the same?” Larina guessed. She tucked a lock of dark hair over her shoulder. Alaya groaned and glanced out the window. “It’s too beautiful out there to be stuck in here,” she said, turning back to Larina. “Alaya,” Larina said in a mock severe tone, wagging a disapproving f...
Ratings & Rankings
 Plus-button Clarity
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Opal Throne Chapter 1
Version 1
29 Reviews   14 Comments
Alaya settled into her desk and crossed her legs. She glanced over at Larina with one eyebrow raised and scuffed the bottom of her boot over the thick rug in the classroom. “Any ideas about what we’re doing today?” “More of the same?” Larina guessed as she pushed a lock of rich black hair behind her ear. “Shields, probably.” Alaya groaned and glanced out the window. “It’s too pretty to be stuck indoors for lessons,” she said, turning back to Larina. “Alaya,” Larina said, wagging a disapprovin...
Ratings & Rankings
Reviews
Haiku/Senryu / 9/27/07
I like this. It evokes an interesting image. However, is veins really the right word? Usually veins don't form pools. Just a thought. Good job, though!
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Stage Play / Promise
This is good. It's intriguing, unique and I like it a lot. Overall: I'm confused by the ending. How did Aaron die? Did he kill himself? I thought so at first, but then it wouldn't make sense for the guards to say "wow". Minor things: [he pauses a while then speaks again] -- Just say "beat" [in disappointment] --say "disapointedly" or whatever, not in ____ font: 12.0px American Typewriter"> -- Huh? The lights dim and return. -- Technical thing, it the lights just dim, how will the actor hav...
Young Adult / Us
I think this is very intriguing. It's unusual, and I like that. Does it lead to anything? It feels like a beginning to a larger story. The only thing I'd say is use "come" instead of "cum", for grammar's sake. Also, the first sentence confuses me. What word are you talking about? Good luck, good job and keep writing!
Haiku/Senryu / Music-My Passion
It strikes me as a bit disjointed. The first two lines seem like they aren't really the point you're trying to make. Maybe use the last line as your first line and go from there. Good luck and keep writing!
Short Story / Eddie and his Doll
Overall: I think you have an interesting premise, and have a lot of talent. However, I think the writing is a bit too sparse. I don't know what the bedroom looks like, what Lola looks like. I think this is Eddie's Point of view, but there are a few breaks. Like, would he really notice that his hair is like a porcupine (which, by the way, is a cool image, I just think he wouldn't think that). He seems to go from thinking about getting her out of the sex shop to jumping her pretty quickly. I th...
66.6667% Review Quality (3 Votes)
Favorites

unusualgirl0 has no favorites yet.