i think this peice is a bit disjointed between the narrative vs 1st person in the different verses and chorus. i would make the verses 1st person and keep the chorus in 3rd person. also, i would think that if verse had a form like: 1st part question/ 2nd part statement/description/ect. it would help the audiance with understanding the story and speaker. the progression of events is a bit off. it goes from the 1st day of school to the wedding day/funeral[?] in a straight line, but not smoothly...

i think i get what the speaker is hinting at, but i'd like to be sure. often when we write about emotional/traumatic experience we use our own private code that gets the general point across but doesn't always do it artfully. i think this poem would be powerful if it was explicit, had more detail, and wasn't a one sided conversation. it's a good start though.

metaphors are great devices, but their use is undone when we blatently tell the audiance what the methaphor is. if it's not clear at the end of the poem, you might have to go back and rework it to make your point clear w/o having to state it so plainly. the message is a huge part of reading/writing poetry but how it's delived is why people read poems.

over all it's pretty good. no notes for change. but why workshop something that's already published and in circulation?

well i title things according to how i think of them. like if this night happened in a month, or season, or at a special place, or on a certain memorable date i'd title it that, like "a thursday night in june" or "the road out of town". aside from the title, some more punctuation and stanzas would help this be more readable.

it's a good start. - the stray comma is more distracting than helpful because it's the only punctuation used. - it seems sort of unfinished, i think it should be longer. - i'm not sure what is "Unbeknownst". is it death itself, or how the subject died, or how people process death? - the progress of events are still unclear to me after a few reads. did someone fall on their sword at a funeral? i think another stanza or two to flesh this out would make it more finished and the subject more clear.

pretty solid. great use of devices: enjambment, imagery, alliteration, punctuation, ect. no notes for change. this was a great read.

i think this work "talks" too much and does not "show" the reader enough. the references are vague. i gather that the relationship is DOM/sub and references are to BD/SM but that's about it. if this is meant for a specific person then i'm sure they'll know what you're talking about. if this is meant for a general audience then the events and feeling and relationships need to be fleshed out some more to get your point across.

i think some of the lines are a bit unwieldy, especially for a spoken word performance. breaking up the lines both grammatically and through enjambment would help with the flow of reading/speaking this. some of the phrases and imagery are very cliche ["apple", "good girl", ect.] which does not make for interesting writing and can seem a bit lazy at times. it's a good start, but needs a lot of polishing.

right now the rhyme seems sing-song and is weak because it's inconsistent. committing to having a definite form in the stanzas and in the rhyme scheme will greatly improve the structure of this poem. i find the world created a bit to saccharine for my personal tastes. i think that the belief that "if we all just love each other" is a simplistic belief about our world's complex problems. but there is a market for poems that make people "feel good", and someone needs to write them so it might a...