It's good writing, would I read the rest, meh, maybe if I was bored. There is something kinda wrong about the relationship portrayed in this small segment. It almost seems like Lawrence is much older and is pushing himself on Vanessa, like she is too young to protest. That sits uncomfortably with me. Perhaps more of the story or a greater view into Vanessa's feelings would shift the relationship into a more natural progression? Good luck!

Good read so far. Not easy for me to keep up with, as we have miles per hour and trunks (not kph and boots)but definately interesting. Hope you get published and please, post more chapters, I want to know how Alex adn Jack get together and what a USEPP is! :)

Try to combine your phrasing so the lines aren't so short, it might let it flow a little better so the reader can really feel the panic.

More! What happens next? The story itself is good, original and convincing. I'm glad you went a different way then the typical boy-meets-girl stories. There are some minor grammatical errors, some sentences that you'll probably revise a tad, the begining is a little dry but overall a good read, now post more! :)

Impressive. It is a good start, a very engaging begining chapter. most definately something I would continue to read. (not-so-subtle hint to post the other chapters here) Anywho, pleasent story line, not much 'action-adventure' so far but enjoyable characters. Speaking of, Jasper is an interesting choice for a female character, it is slightly confusing in the begining, sounds kinda like a gay couple at first lol.

A little bitter are we? LOL

For one thing, this is not romance, its erotica, hard-core at that. For second, don't switch to "her" and "me" halfway through and them switch back to "her" and "him", stick to one POV. Check your spelling, punctuationa nd grammer, it makes the piece flow better. Also, create sentences, you have statements. "Leather clad, unshaven." That means nothing and the choppy sound of statements interrupts the flow you are trying for.

Wewll, you have my attention. Im intrigued about these characters. Maybe you should considered combining all of what you have about them into a long cohesive piece.