ok this is funny, but a little short.

OK, as ornrey and obnoxious as Hobbes is, I really like this and find it hilarious. I read somewhere that one of the best ways to draw a strong character is to have a protagonist do things that the rest of us never have the guts to do. You pulled it off well. I like the cadence and rhythm of your writing too. My minor suggestion would be to cut the words, the neighborhood bar in the sentence that contains them. I was a little put off by the narrative intrusion: "I mean he." It also seemed lik...

I thought it was funny when Scott answered the phone and it was his mom, but the rest of the screenplay wasn;t doing the trick for me. I may just be too old for this, but the humor in it didn't really make me laugh. I didn't get why he had a bucket of cocks. good luck with the website.

I love some good international intrigue so thanks for the read. Unofrtunately I jumped right in at chapter 20, so I will have to go back and start from chapter one after this. I have two main suggestions and those would be to us more active sentences and also to read it aloud if you haven't in order to catch some slightly clunky sentences. Alot of the passive voice in this is because of overusing the word "had" and a trick i do to fix that is to look for anytime the word "had" appears in a se...

congratulations on the book and the signings and all that is very exciting. i don't know if it was just the formatting as the text ended up on the website, but some of the paragraphs seemed especially long and I found it a little hard to keep from losing my place. you leave me very curious as to what is in the bag. thanks for the opportunity to read this.

I like how you jump into the middle of the action with this. A lesser writer would have started before the babe disappeared. Though I'm a big mystery fan, I usually I avoid reading fantasy,sci-fi, magic realism, etc. so the fact that I was so sucked into this is a big compliment to your skills. I loved the detail of the milk crate nightstand. Suggestions: Using both "crackle" and "cracked" in the first two lines sounded a little clunky to me. I didn't get "sugar poured from the barrel" I love...

yes

Well done. It made me think of my grandfather. I rarely feel many emotions while reading submissions, but this was well done and had a great ending. I'm not totally sure, but I think you could replace the commas in the sentence below with semi-colons.? at, how far down the concourse to the gate of his next flight, an Thanks for the feeling!

That's funny. I'm glad to hear it. My only suggestion would be to shorten the line: He went to the world underground, by a sylable or 2.

I would break up the lines below like i did, otherwise good job. with you everyday feels like a new start some couples lose their flames and love for each other you take all my misery and sorrow away your perfect i love you theres nothing else to say