vbrunkenobi's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: Augusta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 04
LOC: Augusta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 04
I am a Sailor forward deployed to Bahrain. I write not for fame or money, but for an evisceral need to be heard, understood and accepted. Becoming a “respected” writer is my primary goal in using this site. Not to mention the practice in critical thinking. I am garnering alot of real life praticality from my reviewing. I pray that I never become so full of myself that my reviews are about me and not the writer’s main idea. Feel free to poke me in the eye if this happens, lol. ”Be careful chasing monsters…for when we stare into the Abyss, the Abyss stares into us. – F.N.”
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
3 Comments
hollowness within desire red hot overwhelming single minded failure
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Open coffee shop. Workers busy with themselves fulfilled emptiness.
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Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Whitewashed walls. Crumbling masonry underneath facade of progress.
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Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
I sit here listening to the cacophony I call music wishing away the darkness that threatens to engulf me. The day is bright outside shining in to this busy yet empty coffee shop underscoring the unwanted solitude I find myself in. Such forced ignorance within me is but a momentary relief knowing that tonight when there is no light, there is but dark. What evil is darkness what power to behold shoving all thought aside in its domination of me. The music offers repreive however transient. A cha...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Heads wrapped around Past. People who want to change me become me in truth.
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Reviews
Not bad. I can feel your angst, your resignation. I would fix the misspelling of afraid though. There is a hiccup in your fragment/phrase relationship as well. Not too big of a deal. There is a link between the 2nd and 3rd lines that could make them into the phrase though. I think this could be easily fixed by placing a period after the first and thirs lines and a comma after the second. I like it.
Not bad. The imagery is good. I would split it up into a fragment and phrase though instead of keeping it one long sentence. Maybe this can be accomplished as simply as placing a period at the end of the first sentence. There is a feeling left with me after reading this that with some minor rewording, it would flow alot better and present your imagery much clearer. It stands as is though. Well done.
This one is not grabbing me as I had hoped. There is imagery, but to what end? There is no fragment/phrase relationship, just a single sentence. There is potential here though. I like the title. Take the wording within the senryu and open the world up to me. I get no emotion, no feeling right now. Make me feel something as I stand there in the rain looking at the lamp shining out like a beacon to my lost soul, so on and so forth.
Very primal. A well-developed fragment and phrase. Well done.
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