vincecrisis's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Union City, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 23
LOC: Union City, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 23
I am two years deep in college as a Political Science Major in California. Anyway, I like writing and reading. I’ve been digging the short story compilations of Denis Johnson, Raymond Carver, and John Cheever. I do also like my fair share of horror, science fiction, and fantasy along with literary stuff.
Currently: The Dispossessed: The Ambiguous Utopia by Ursula K. Le Guin.
Items
Version 1
16 Reviews
0 Comments
Newspapers from a few months past had cluttered table tops and armchairs. Scattered pages revealed a censored war, beautiful celebrities, and smug politicians shaking the hands of unseen people. There was a fireplace, an indent in the brick wall in the far corner, where a small fire twisted itself along a log in bright embers. There was a knock on the oak door up front; it had stirred a withered old man who had been sleeping on a tattered green sofa. He lurched upwards into life, eyes both ho...
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I like this. I think it'd work more if we were given some description of Adri and then the final reveal when she's really just in his head. She does pull the covers over him so I guess that gives the impression she's in the room anyway. More description would help especially if we were given more about the parents. Their irritation at their son would become more concrete if you added things about how they reacted to their son, it'd be very subtle but I think it'd be for the best. Also there i...
For a rough it's good. Needs polish but that's what we're here for. I think it would help for more concrete details, the raw emotion you're giving makes it feel more like poetry or some type monologue. Give more simple description, the violet eyes at the start are good but there isn't much else after that. Try to show how these characters look. Show their inner feelings with their actions. Especially with the main character. Rewrite. Add some more structure, there's a lot of promise with this.
Asides polishing it up especially grammar and spelling, I think you can get rid of the first three sentences, you're repeating information that the dialogue below gives away. Questions you should answer in later drafts. What does Martin look like? How does your character feel about this? You can either give her some internal dialogue about how she absolutely hates/resents Martin or you can do better by showing it in how she acts towards him. The skirt and not wearing glasses works but I think...
Definitely enjoyed the piece. Engaging story. If there would be anything to change, in my opinion would be to omit some of the details. This of course is more of a stylistic suggestion but I feel that some description is unneeded. Leave some things to the reader's imagination, it really doesn't matter how somethings really appear unless it's supposed to help show personality. Also the 'correction' about the deceased man being a "Twin Brother" from the woman is awkward to me. Overall, I really...
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