vintagerocket's profile
AGE:
16
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 30
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 30
Items
Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
there were satellites that night i tried to capture myself. i blew past them. it took two bottles of vodka to figure out one lousy wish in the palm of a burning hand is worse than no wish at all.
Version 1
5 Reviews
12 Comments
i loved on champlain like i was french, hoping for more wives than none but preferably, only you. the truth is, the moon looked lonely that night so i buttered croissants under piss-eyed streetlamps and never noticed how my hunched figure imitated a yield sign, stuttering cars to a stop. _"j- je t'aime."_
Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
i crouched in wheat stalks with a flimsy aeroplane folded along my lips - a shuttle to mars, the east. back home.
Version 1
4 Reviews
16 Comments
i. i pluck a fat peach and skin it, pretending the plump delicious is earth i eat sweet juiced crust like a lizard, eventually tossing out the bitter meat at its core ii. dad yells a lot over the phone & mum fidgets the cross welded on her left breast & cries about how my uncle is too happy
Version 1
5 Reviews
7 Comments
july came as a virago this year coaxing the rocky road of its ice cream trucks and leaving a sad imprint of broken farmers suffocating under sunflowers that had gotten fat long before the previous summer ever reached the dell. the sun and the 25th meet on occasion, in silence, as their perpendicular bodies form a table near the horizon for picnics and swingset-scented sex in the evenings. their limbs are what separate the sky's fleshy under-bags from the bags under my eyes, worn heavy under a...
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lovely metaphor. its heaviness plays very, very well into the weight of the sheets, the monsoon, the woman. "she lets go the..." is in a bit of an awkward pickle. (possibly missing an 'of' in there, for grammar.) mostly i find that the act of 'letting go' isn't as jarring as it could be- "she surrenders the line"? abandons it? all of my analities are screaming for another verb there. something spicier (you know?). i enjoyed this muchly. the ending is quite subtle- i like that.
assuming this is simplistic on purpose, there's still not enough to draw from to get a sense of "yes! i get it!" which i usually look for in short poems. it seems like dear max met an awful death, but comparing axe and seed flax only seems to be for rhyme's sake. perhaps loosen up on the rhyme, or choose a different scheme like ABACAD.
kudos for the sestina- i enjoyed seeing some form but found that some of the repeating words you chose were too mechanical for the subject matter. line 5-6, st.2, are real/plausible human vunerabilities, but lines like "You have eluded and fissured my perimeters" makes you sound like a blocked-up drain pipe. maybe offset manifest/perimeters/concede with "softer" words in the rest of the stanzas, especially avoiding even more unfeeling words like "obstruction".
cummings had reasons. do you? a capitalized word or two for emphasis i understand but this, all of this, would the capitals/linebreaks/whatnot serve just as good a purpose otherwise? i suppose it "felt right" at the time but this is not that time and you need to cut-prune-mold-shape-it. first read/first thought- much too stylized. the letter U, what does it dU? i find the one-word lines are too short to be carrying the bulk of lines like l.9, makes for an interesting slow-then-hasty effect, b...
True quote. There's a million life metaphors out there, but I like how this was put. Reminds me of my dad teaching me to play poker. I never was too good at that.
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