I liked this. I wish you wrote more. I could feel your anger.

You have a good rhythm of words - a voice. Most people write without regard to how the piece will sound if spoken aloud or read word and punctuation. To be honest, I am not quite sure what your are speaking about, but I like that. The subject is eluded to rather then hit over the head. I will assume it is a metaphor. You should write more about this.

Fucking unbelievable! I loved this. Most especialy the "Give utter bliss a blowjob..." That was wonderful.

I believe that we all at one (and more) times in our lives make the conscious choice to take control of our exsistance. I have often said: We may not have a choice in WHAT happens to us in our live, but we do have the choice in HOW we react to it. To futher my point - Buddists say, "Pain in invitable, but suffering is optional." Giving thanks to those who bless your live is a sign of true wisdom. Thank you for writing this.

This was beautiful and heartfelt. The first word out of my mouth when I finished this was "Wow."

You have a good "voice." Upon reading the first few sentences, I was in awe that you are mearly 16 in writing this. The structure was sophisticated and perfect. However, you loose that perfection when you start telling instead of showing. Trust that your reader will understand your emotions and experiences through discription. Try writing without adverbs. It will be hard at first but you will force yourself to be more creative in your discription, if you do so. Just my two cents.

I think you have a good start here. A couple minor things you might want to do off the bat: Spell check and remove the Adverbs. Another point: try playing with different ways of using "I". Try just removing them or combining sentences. Also, describing the story is better then telling the story. Describe the inside of the Uhaul store or the cab of the truck. Describe what items you packed, what broke, got smashed, etc. Stories are in the details.

I love your writing style - fragments and and like. The only criticism is: the cadence of your writing is the same throughout. You might want to vary the rhythm of your sentence structure to reflect what you are talking about. For example, write longer sentences when describing Lina and your feelings/experiences with her. It may unconsciously invoke a "longing" feeling in your reader. Other then that, if you could expand the whole story - add more detail or write more about what happened befo...

There is not enough of a story and very little description. Pardon the pun but you might want to flesh the story out. Add more story about the look, feel, smell, taste, sound of the event(s). Add more about the emotional states and sensations the characters are feeling. Remember show don't tell.