weirdishfriend's profile

I enjoyed the concept and idea of your story. Its a great storyline! However, I did have some trouble reading the story. First, the word usage isn't strong enought for me. You can go over and use some stronger words. ("She" is used over and over again.) Second, the quick jump from emphasis on Syana's action to Taun's action is one thing I would fix. Finally, the story it can be expanded further.

I always enjoy "love" poems and poems about its meaning. I'm starting to think that maybe we can't fully describe it, but we can surely try. The rhyme scheme goes great for me, but the last two lines aren't parallel to the other lines. I don't know if thats how you wanted it so I'm just throwing it out there. Then, I don't think that the word usage isn't strong enough. Maybe thats what you wanted again. Overall, I liked it!

My first read through, it sounded very awkward to me. My second read through, I decided on your mood and concept-which is very strategic. My third read through (outloud), I fell completely in love.

This surely is artistic merit and expression. The rhythem was a bit off for me, maybe it was just how I read it. I liked the use of such odd words in the beginnning--words we don't normally use like "puffy parca," and "subsume." Also, as I a teen, I liked this line, "an awkward teenage backseat fumble." I have something similar to that in one of my poems. Overall, great job! Just another read through to tighten the flow would be the cherry on top for me.