whitsall's profile

Powerful. This one line: "Said heartbreak has yet to cease." seems so distant and impersoanl from the rest. Tell me how you still suffer? Good wishes

for the most part, nice tight dialogue. It's okay. Needs work. Seems somewhat salacious, but that's just me - sorry. Page 6: "And he did it without thinking." How do we know this? Constitutes a minor POV change. Page 3: "Seeing the garden hose coiled on the nail in the wall near the door she thought for a moment of turning it on the greasy head around the corner but instead sat down at the table and reached for her coffee." Try this instead: The garden hose was coiled near the door. She imagi...

Interesting, but it did not hold me well enough. Sorry. Part of the problem is that you switch POV continually and even within the same paragraph; from his thoughts to hers- back and forth. I find that distracting. Whose story is this? If it is their story, which seems to be waht you want to write - perhaps changes only in scenes and distinguish these folks - they blur into one. Good luck with this. I think it's a fine idea, just needs more work.

Very nice execution of reality and an altered state. When Armand's voice is intoxicating, mesmerizing,a chant - I don't think you need to tell the reader. Trust in your abilities to make the reader feel this - I certainly did. By telling me - it breaks the fictive dream. In the beginning there are sentences with too many phrases: "Squinting against the sun, he focused on what remained of the veranda, gazing upon the planked overhang which had caved in on the right side of the porch so that fi...