i really liked this peice and i'm interested to see where it goes. the only thing that i saw wrong was in the middle of paragraph 2 it says "when mother made up his mind..." i'm thinking that it should be when father made up his mind. other than that it was excellent

this was really good...i would like to ask what sort of musical arrangement you see going with it? it helps read it to have a reference of the type of music. also in these two lines "And were losing, our humanity,cause were living with our minds" and it would make more sense if you use "we're" rather than were. but i do like the words that you

i gave you a little lower on the clarity, simply because some of the lines are hard to read. i was unclear as to where the line breaks were...at the end of the physical line, at the comma? and in the fourth stanza there is no period...but Truly is capitalized. so is it the start of a new line or just emphasis. all in all though i thought it was very good...very powerful and emotional.

i'm not sure about the rhyming scheme...it is a little hard to get a handle on. i think this piece would do well as a free verse, rather than trying to get it to conform to a scheme. there is a lot of emotion and a lot that is hidden within this poem, a free form would allow you to pull that emotion out and bare it. it is a powerful piece though

i gave you a lower score on the published in a lit. magazine not as a dig on you...but rather as a reality. i have myself tried to get poems of this same nature published and been turned away time and again. i applaude you for your openness and honesty. the only thing i would suggest is making your lines a little more separate. instead of having a period mid line, make that the line break. it can make it a bit easier for people to read. bravo!!

i give you props for the honesty of this...and the pain that is so apparent. the only suggestion i have is that you start with asking a question and then the next line is "right?". however at the end of the poem, you don't follow that same rule. i would say make the piece consistent and go for adding two lines. other than that, bravo!

i really enjoyed this. i never got the feeling that the brother was a little special...that was a good twist. i saw two things, that i'm sure you caught...but 1. in the second paragraph you say "before a remember" and i think you mean before "I" remember. and after you have the *** for the break you use the word "warn" which means to warn someone...but i think it should be "worn" in the context of the sentence. i hope to read more!

very good. only thing i would suggest is putting in more punctuation, simply to help the reader know when to pause and where the thought/sentence ends.

i don't have any suggestions...but that is because i was laughing so hard. 10PM Play poke the Pope...best line!! you have a great sense for word play and what may seem like nonsense, in some ways makes perfect sense.

i like how this is a great metaphor for many things. sex, love, the struggle of night and day. i would suggest maybe a little punctuation though. it is a little hard to read and know where to make any pauses or breaks. but overall great job