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writerjudd's profile
AGE:
38
LAST LOGIN: May 07
LAST LOGIN: May 07
The only thing I have to write is that I’ve nothing to write.
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Version 1
23 Reviews
2 Comments
A farmer of sheep checking on a new litter Grasped at his heart as it raced all a-twitter For with the white lambs sat one female apart Her wool was deep crimson – a true work of art But greed took that farmer and caused him to say: She might make me rich so I’ll put her away! Sequestered all day that poor lamb went insane, Jumping her pen-fence again and again And so every Sabbath that lamb would go nuts Raiding near farmlands and biting sheeps’ butts But hating to risk the lamb’s early...
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The theme of "anti-hero suddenly finds self in hell" has certainly been done before, but it never ceases to grab my interest; mostly for the insight into human nature that it provides. You've done a good job laying the foundation for what seems destined to become a solid treatment of the concept. Whereas you want to know primarily about the efficiency of the dialog, I'll move along... The short answer is that yes, the dialog is concise and efficient, but at the same time, I think there's more...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
It's odd reading something so refined existing totally independent of context...a little like finding a crystal goblet sitting alone on a sidewalk. Consequently, while it's easy to say that this piece is quite good in a "classic" sense (in that all subjects and objects seem to agree, the images are clear and relatable, etc), I don't know whether it's good in a "romantic" way (in terms of its capacity to help move the larger work toward its goal of being a thing of beauty). I was quite touched...
These are very intimate and powerful expressions, which I'm not comfortable critiquing per se. What I suppose I can do is make suggestions as to how they're presented. What most stood out to me was the off-on-off-on approach to addressing your "mother issues", which felt to me as though it blunted the overall effect of such striking words. I'd have preferred to see them presented in either an on-off-on way, or off-on. Thus, dispassionately describe your mother and her surroundings as you do, ...
I suppose poetry needs to be examined from two angles: what is said and how it is said. On the "what" level, I found this to be a compelling little story that conveyed a lot of feeling through remarkably few words. Whether or not it was intended, I detected a bit of criticism of Islamic culture in there, as well. On the "how" level, I'm left wondering why you chose to divide the poem's lines up as you did. Line length is a powerful tool for the poet, but many of your lines felt arbitrarily di...
Writing dialog in a nuanced "voice" is an important means of adding texture and believability to a character. Writing an entire narration that way -- as you've done here -- is risky. It's risky for two reasons: 1- It's a exhausting for the reader. 2- It's impossible to accomplish with true fidelity (meaning, you can't possibly replace *every* instance of "because" with "cuz", for example). Personally, I think the risks of this stylistic approach greatly outweigh the benefits and would recomme...
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