This piece was very densely written, and yet this did not halt the flow anywhere that I could see. Your descriptions were so smooth and so full of real emotions that I found myself believing these were real people on a real bus and I was getting a glimpse of real thoughts. Technically it was pretty well done. There was one place that the tense changed abruptly and shouldn't have, and another where you didn't capitalize something (Ipod) and should have. But otherwise this was really well done....

Even with the strange way this was written out, with little punctuation and in a style more commonly seen in poetry than a novel, I really got into it. Your descriptions were clear and real, and your flow was pretty well done. As it was only the beginning of a longer work its hard to really comment on the story itself, though so far my interest has certainly been caught, and I would love to read more.

Overall the writing for this story was fine, though there were a few spelling and tense errors that I found. The main problem I had with this piece was that it just seemed 'too silly.' It felt like it was supposed to be some type of slapstick comedy where every sentence is supposed to get a laugh out of the audience. And while I did smile a bit throughout reading it all seemed too forced and too ridiculous for me to really laugh.

There were several problems I had with this story. First of all the tense was strange and hard to get into. It also changed abruptly several times which made it very hard to follow the flow of the story itself. Also the dialogue was confusing and strange and hard to follow. I can understand that you want your characters to speak in particular ways but if it is too hard for the reader to understand them then they won't want to continue reading. Something that I personally found bothersome that...

Its always hard to do a thorough criticism of an incomplete work, so I'll stick to just reviewing the technical aspects of this and not really go into how I feel about the story itself. First of all, you tend to be very repititious with your words and phrases. For example, in the second paragraph you have the midwife say “Poor dear, go on to heaven, dearie." Having her say 'dear' twice sounds a little lazy. There will always be some instances where you will end up repeating words because you ...

This story was humorous and fast-paced and really alot of fun. Except for a few typos scattered throughout I couldn't really find anything wrong with this piece. There were a couple of words used redundantly, but as it had to do with pumping a pump-action shotgun, I'm not sure how you could get around that. The only other thing I would mention that you might want to fix is when Spinoza laughs at a comment and you write in the "Hee." That seems a bit juvenile, or more like an email or text mes...

I'll focus more on the actual plot type stuff, as I know when you are in the midst of writing for NaNoWriMo it is more about content and less about the grammar and other mechanics. I found this interesting enough, the plot moved forward at a pretty fast pace and never stalled out for too long so that it became boring. But it felt like a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Your main character has all of these conversations with people that we never get to hear. Dialogue is an importan...

I was reading this aloud, trying to figure out the flow, and after a little while think I caught it, but it might have been alot easier to read and understand if you had included the punctuation yourself. Your words certainly evoked a certain kind of lazy observation of the world around you, something we all have succumbed to at one time or another when we are just sitting by ourselves. If that is what you were going for than it is well done.

While the vocabulary used in this entry is certainly interesting, I'm not sure it really fits into the realm of a blog post. Blogs are usually written in a person-to-person kind of tone, as if the writer is conversing directly with their audience, so it will sound almost converstational. This piece does not sound conversational, it sounds more like literary prose. Plodding literary prose at that, because after the first few lines, that interesting vocubulary weighs the sentences down. It feel...

I really liked this, it was interesting and relatable and flowed really well. The only advice I can give is 1) to go back through and do a careful line edit, as there were some spelling mistakes (like "from" instead of "form") and 2) you might want to break up the lines a little more as in some places it reads like prose instead of poetry and that could be confusing for readers.