wvtriker's profile

The overall feel and cadence seemed a little off to me. I think it might be some of the word choices, such as pilory. I also think you might have miss used through in the last one. I think the line I disliked most was the one using me as the final word. I would put more time in to that line and make it work but have a more natural feel to it. By the way, by packing three together and then closing the final on in the way you did were you making a prediction on the out come?

I liked it over all. I thought there were a couple of things that break up the flow though. The rain down pours, I'd drop down from the line. I think dark blood pools sounds better without dark, too, partially because if it is fresh (being seen) it is more apt to be bright and partially because I don't think it is needed. The four lines beginning with "she lies" are too broken by the semi colons. I believe changing to commas feels smoother.

I really hope this is a joke. Let us start with grammar and punctuation: there is none. How do you expect someone to read and critique your work with no capitalization and no punctuation? It is either absurd or total ignorance. With no punctuation it is near impossible to read through the piece. It is totally broken, no flow, because of this. I can not believe that you really submitted this in the form that it is in.

The transition here is so subtle that I almost missed it. I actually thought about starting this with "the fangs doesn't fit" and - bam! Ana Maria isn't a restaurant! It actually made me laugh at that point. Personally, I liked that subtlety. The fist paragraph I would try to tighten up a bit. The repetition of the word day does nothing for the piece. "Forget pizza!" tightens and emphasizes yet a bit more.