This sounds like it could go anywhere. Was the mother murdered (crime) or whatever. The dialogue was very well written and I was lost in the dry replies with the little bits of humour and sarcasm. The description is simple and gives enough to make a reader happy but not too much to bore. You have balanced your story very well. You've got me intrigued.

You are a very confident person. Especielly for your age. Don't become over confident, especielly about your writing, because what you think is 'fine' and 'amazing' and 'interesting' may not really be. Make sure you never cloud your judgement. Suggestion: read other thrillers that use no dialogue. Do you think it should be used there??? Sorry, but dialogue creates a lot of tension, explains issues etc. It is great in writing that is longer than five hundred or so words. If you lack it, althou...

Wow, that certainly is a nightmare. The imagery is fantastic, be proud. The present tense works really well but maybe make the story a little longer. See if extra words/description might make it stronger. Do watch commas, you tend to overuse in a few sentences particulary the last one. Great piece. xsashaxpatriciax

There are many words you tend to overuse or use without the need to. In speech, everyday we use incorrect grammar, overuse words etc. When we write tend to become confused. I reccomend using a spelling and grammar check. Watch for 'that' and try not using. Half the time you don't need. Another thing is using present tense sometimes stuffs up your grammar. EG: "the blood swirl[S] down the drain for a while". You have a very good idea. Using more alarming/descriptive/interesting adjectives will...

Impression: good. It's different. Your image clarity is good. However; You do tend to overuse passive 'thingys'. Try to limit your usage. EG: 'was' 'were' 'wasn't' You wrote: "The other two people were outside somewhere." What about?: "Somewhere outside moved the other two people. And they . . ." To a reader it sounds more definit. Though sometimes there's nothing else to use. Review use of 'just' (should the word be 'only'?). Hope this helps. My thoughts are a little scattered. xsashaxpatric...

Prologue: When listing adj remember commas. Last sentence I would split. 'How coud he . . . ? Her last thought . . .' Part One: Watch the use of 'was'. It' pasive and should be used as little as possible. You tend to use it at least once a sentence. Be careful. And dont replace 'was' with 'had been'. It's just as bad as 'was'. Look at breaking up your paraprhasing. Add in speech etc nd break up thoughts and actions. The use of, '"There was no . . ' The " is weirdly placed. I don't it's use. C...

It's a very powerful piece. At fist with the middle section confused my. Then I understand what you were roughly aiming for. There's not a lot I can criticise because it was so powerful. Maybe a bit of grammar here and there but otherwise it's pretty good. BUT you will have to keep the rest of the story at the same powerful level. That'll keep attention etc. Goodluck xsashaxpatriciax

I envy those who can write poetry. This piece, so powerful. It almost made me cry. I could see the visuals you were aiming for which is great. Be warned, 'darkness' I took as this is during the night. But the rattling door makes me think it's day time. It's the connotations I received. "Just as it would. . ." You don't need the just so I'd ditch it. Wonderful piece. And sorry about your father. xsashaxpatriciax

Hey u need 2 spell check. Um also u need 2 make it have more of an upbeat rythum. Other than that its good. Too true I think. That's what makes it a good piece. Nice comparisons. And yes, I did like it.