Hi, again! This reads much more smoothly than the previous version. Cutting the hide and seek section was very successful. I did miss the Chicago bit, because I knew it used to be there. It seems to have lost some of its vitality when you cut that bit, even though it hadn't been perfected yet. Are you going to use it elsewhere in the novel? If not, I think you should consider giving it another go 'round in this chapter. It really anchored and defined this character in a way that is no longer ...

This is a very sweet and gentle story of the sort one doesn't run into much any more. Innocence is not something we assume in children in the 21st century, and it was almost a shock to encounter it in this story because the time frame is not really apparent until the mention of the Korean War. The dialog is excellent. The pacing was good. That balance between description and action was well-done. I enjoyed this exploration of a day which Ozzie could identify as an important step in his trip t...

I think you've got some potential here. There is some discomfort in the balance between the conflict and the everyday in this piece. I think you could cut out the minesweeper, make the phone conversation more intriguing, and lose some of that mundane quality that drags this down. There is a shallowness about Summer that is somehow repellent, but I get the sense we're supposed to identify with her, or at least find her sympathetic. It's very difficult to write a full character in flash fiction...

"...lying discarded..." I'm not sure if this works. It caught me up short wondering who in the world discarded these rocks and why. "...was closing in around her..." Was it really a feeling of being surrounded, implying many presences from all directions, or was it a feeling of being "closed in on," implying one presence bearing down on her? There are few more things like those that I would change, but I guess what I'm having a problem with is the feeling of vagueness in some of the descripti...

My only suggestion would be to do something about the repetition in "...even to this day" followed by "Even now..." It's a minor point though. Drabble is not easy, and this one is pretty good. It's very difficult to make suggestions for improvement with so little wriggle room!

What a wonderful way to introduce a character. I am very curious about Allie Park—what is the source of and what will be the result of her ability to stop things. The contradiction between this ability to ‘stop’ and the repetition of the word ‘start’ at the end of the first paragraph and the beginning of the second—well, I just like it. You have such an ability to create pleasing juxtapositions of words and ideas—combinations that stimulate and set one up for the “pretty patterns” that will f...

Characterization: To me, there is a pervasive sadness to Billy's voice, which may have something to do with the associations I have with alcohol problems, but I really think it comes from word choice and an over-awareness of self that is demonstrated. It is consistent, and somewhat heartbreaking, if also often very funny. Steven is a much subtler voice, which makes it less conspicuous, and will evidently take a bit more exposure to equal the character evidenced in the Billy sections. It's not...

“…torn apart in a clash of forks and a frenzy of tearing hands.” The redundancy of ‘torn’ and ‘tearing’ here doesn’t seem to work. Picky, picky. “…will certainly slug the kitchen right in the guts…” This recalls the pathetic mugging attempt in 1.1 (“handwarm handgun snug in the guts”.). I’m assuming that you did that on purpose, and I am torn about its efficacy. On the one hand, it’s a nice comparison and on the other, it is stumbling point because it’s not obvious enough, but just rings a be...

Very well done. The writing is very good, and the dialogue excellent. While understated, the descriptions are convincing. I got a feel for Nadia's character very quickly, and sympathy followed. "It was soft and mildly amused, as though my impending death was a small dog’s trick." I liked this line very much. It was vivid and more idiosyncratic, and if you could fit in some more of this style of description I think this chapter would go from something that is very, very good to something that ...

As usual, I enjoyed your submission thoroughly! Two complaints, to start off: "It's going to be sticky--I just know." This sentence brings the rhythm to a complete halt very early in the paragraph. Too early, I think. Your rhythmic flow is so consistently fine that I find that I have to mention this. I am so particular. Tsk tsk. When discussing the nature of the relationship between Dr. B. and Dr. P. there is an abrupt and unannounced time shift when the rest of the bridge party shows up. I t...