lovely pace, nicely written, i didn't mind the lack ofpunctuation (unusually for me). the meaning of the last two stanzas is a bit opaque, with some words held togethr without obvious intent: what does placed upon 'the wisp of gentle haunts' mean for instance? maybe punctuation would help with that, actually!

As heartfelt as this is, and one can;t fail to be moved, there's too much tell and not enough show here. Its very proselike, without images to construct the picture (of the stage for instance, how was it set, what did it look like, smell like, taste like even?) One line in particular needs rethinking "Suddenly without warning gone was there dominion" It stands out like a smack to the face, with words in a jarring fauz poetic order.

i liked the rhythm of this, although sometimes this could be worked on further. So for instance. does this scan better? the pendulum shifts from the right to the left awaiting timely ticks sometimes swares [spelling?] when chiming hours that lift the county bridge put out my fancy cigarette Best

Ha ha. Nice. Not sure about "collaborata" And for some reason I reacted against the "and" in "and spell out why it burns?" I liked hte way it eaves the rhyme here. not sure what "fake the save," means I like the decent measured disinterest of the last stanza a lot. This is a basic subject, obvious even, but treated lightly with some humour.

This was too introspective. It gave the reader nothing to hang onto or understand other than the interior monologue of someone in pain. Its common to feel like this but much les common to be able to write interestingly about it. It needs some exterior detials so make us sense how it might really fell, why you might feel like this, why it provides us with some insight...

My main reaction to this is that its prose, rather than poetry. There is nothing obviously rhythmic or poetic about the language. Its nicely put together for all that...

This is very raw (emotionally) and the language could be played with a bit to make the images more striking, or unusual whilst not losing the message. Its eaiser to try and shwo ths than to explain it, so I played iwth your first stanza. See what you think. You came home drunk again Pissed on the floor. Trying to empty your brain Of the beer store?

Yep, this is fine as it is, it simply tells its story, though I am a bit unsure about I fuck. Its not prurient distaste its just I'd save it for when its important or you want to shock a little.

I can't say I know anything about Drabbles I liked this line "To quash the feud officially, each adopt their former enemy's surname" I thought that showed imagination and humour.

A the risk of pedantry, shouldn't it be: Cried recently, now confused. Died happily? Nice shifts of emotion