zoffster1's profile

I really like this. The characterisation, even in this short section is wonderful. The narrator's character is very believable and vivid. All the thoughts that go through her mind seem exactly the kind of thing that someone in that situation might think. Even the 'it' is very well characterised, despite the fact that he only says very little, his actions are very touching. Overall I like the structure of the section too, it flows nicely. I know you wanted comments on the story, but not much h...

First and foremost, you need to really correct the spelling, grammar and formatting here. As it stands it is very hard to take seriously as the mood is constantly spoiled by basic mistakes. It makes the writing look unprofessional and juvenile. Examples are "abnesia", uncapitalised "i"'s, "Gathered" and "Best" being capitalised for no reason. Unfortunately the list is rather long. What you've written in terms of story is promising but fragmented. It doesn't flow nicely yet and still requires ...

I like the premise of the story, but I think the execution could still use some work, at least this part (haven't read the other chapters yet). For me the problem lies in that the whole section feels somewhat clinical, with H'Gan lacking human quality. Unless that is what you are aiming for, H'gan feels somewhat alien, disconnected. The two italicised thoughts seem slightly lost in the passage. In the fiction I've read characters who think to themselves tend to do so regularly, whereas these ...

I love this, it really strikes a chord within me. I think almost everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives.